Comfortable Seating

“That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try”
-R.E.M., Losing My Religion

This past Friday night was the first night I’ve been in a synagogue in almost a year, with the exception of a cocktail hour and reception of my friends wedding at Tifereth Israel in Bucks County early in September. Still a length of 12 months, if not exactly one year.

The cause of this annual ritual is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year. This is the first year that I have gone with a date to services, and more importantly, the first time I have gone to High Holiday services without family by my side. Karen and I went together to B’nai Jacob in Phoenixville, but I think we went with different purposes in mind and definitely left with different thoughts.

I’m not going to guess Karen’s motives going in, I don’t think they matter to the whole point I’m trying to make. I think that I went to services out of duty to tradition. All my life I’ve gone or been dragged to religious holiday by someone else. Parents, Camp Ramah counselors, USY staff, or maybe the campus Hillel could be held responsible. But I don’t want to blame anyone, but I chose to participate in those activities.

Okay, so I went to services out of duty. I think that my interest in Judaism has spiked and settled in the last few years. USY, particularly during Summer 2004 when I went on USY on Wheels (Bus C), my interest in the religious life peaked. I made a new Tallit out of a Mexican blanket that I use today as my main prayer shawl, and I got Tefellin. I prayed three times daily plus full blessings over meals. I learned the Amidah and began to stand during the Mourner’s Kaddish. I came home from that six week vacation ready to try to eat Kosher. However, McDonald’s double cheeseburgers got the better of me in the long run.

Two years after I traveled across the United States, I had a very different cultural experience. I traveled to Israel for 10 days of rapid fire cultural explorations. I think that out of the week and a half I spent across the world, I think we only prayed once, overlooking Jerusalem on a Friday evening. One of the things that struck me as strange shouldn’t have. As American-Jews, we are all given two names- American names that can be found on our birth certificates, and Hebrew names from our Circumsion (Bris) and Baby Namings. I think the purpose of these names is to allow us to identify with Jewish tradition. The people in Israel only had one name – their birth name, which was in Hebrew. For the most part, the Israelis I met were all secular Jews.

Five years ago when I was active in USY, I think that my religious interest reached a crest. Now I feel more at place with the Jews I met in Israel – secular and appreciative of my culture and religion. Tonight, after I went to services out of religious duty, I felt out of place and awkward. Part of this may have just been being at a new synagogue, but there was more than that. A Rabbi and Cantor were there that I was unfamiliar with. The Hebrew language is barely legible for me any more. English readings sound like Shakespeare. The call and response style of the service did not feel productive to me. When I was growing up, one of my favorite things to read while praying was the following:

“The persons who attends a concert with their mind on business
Hears, but does not really hear.
The person who walks amidst the songs of birds
And thinks only of what they will have for dinner
Hears—but does not really hear.”

I found myself distracted during the short service, thinking about contests at work and my checkbook, what would be in this blog post. I was listening to the service without hearing it, and that is not what I want in a religion. Unfortunately , I left with an attitude of indifference, not particularly wanting to return to pray, but Karen feels reestablished with religion, ready to go out an enjoy her religion some more.

The differences between our end goals do surprise me. I'm not sure where to go from here, but maybe I will find a rhythm during the remainder of the high holidays and feel more comfortable. Until then, Shana Tova!